Christmas shopping with Red Fred




By Cletus Maricle

Recently, I took my cousin, Cletus Fred, nicknamed Red Fred because of the color of his neck, Christmas shopping. He didn’t want to stay in Clay. Said he wanted to go to Lexington where he could get some real deals because he and his wife had been having some marital difficulties.

I took him to Victoria’s Secret where I thought he might pick up something that might help with the marital discord. The young lady first showed him a $1,000 bra and explained that he could buy one up to $10.5 million. Red Fred allowed that he wouldn’t pay $100.00 for one even if she went with it. Besides he said he could get clothes that would cover a lot more flesh for less money at Dobson and Keith in Manchester.

We then went to shop for some type of furniture or appliance. Since they would neither deliver nor take payments like they do in Manchester, we thanked them and left.

The next place was the pet shop. He let it be known that he would buy no dog for $1500.00 that didn’t run a rabbit or a fox or tree a squirrel or a raccoon. He had some interest in a potbellied pig but then he remembered that some woman had been put off of a plane because she had her pet potbellied pig with her. Red Fred would not stand for something like that happening to his wife and besides the Mennonites might be in the potbellied pig business by now.

As we were leaving the pet shop Red Fred said, “Them Miller women were right all along. I should just Stay in Clay.” I agreed with him and we left.

On the way out of town I asked him if he wanted to stop anywhere else. He said, “No, I can even legally buy my liquor and beer in Manchester now.” Take good advice from Red Fred.



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